fuck, i never want to drink again I drunk dialed matt last night and broke up with him the second night in a row. FUCK QUADFEST
writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.
shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom
You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.
Well the walls are thin and I can hear the couple next door having sex. I think their dog is somehow involved.
And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.
I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.
Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?
I just used a beer funnel to put gas in my car
I woke up naked buried in snacks. Best night ever.
I'm going to become fluent in fucking Belgian boys
How are you supposed to wish the guy you send nudes to good luck for the first day of his new job??
#tbt to when you let me put plastic wrap on your balls and hum a little song
Everything is a learning experience. Last night we learned why I'm not allowed to bring guys home from the bar....
Randomize
