Yea, forget your mom. She will be home after her one night stand.
I called him Han Solo during sex, he looked at me like he was mortified then I realized he came.
disregard all texts ive sent you minus taco motherfucking bell
He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.
I made him leave at 3am, he texted me a couple minutes later and said the elevator was broken and he was sleeping in there, but he said I was worth it so I don't feel guilty
Yeah I mean its Vermont, not like id be the first guy to trade pharmaceutical services for beer
I will fuck him senseless, no need for a priest.
I only have one eye to read your texts because I just stabbed one out after reading that last text.
How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar
He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.
She kept throwing quarters at him and yelling "Goooaaallll!!" whilst taking her clothes off one by one. I'd say she had a good night
My brother didnt wanna sleep with her because she was my friend. Did I miss the memo where we're not supposed to be fucking each others friends? Oh well too late.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Why did I see a weird snapchat of you barking at McDonald's last night?
COCAINE AND SUSPENSFUL BBC SHOWS DO NOT WORK.
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize
