Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.
Best feeling in the world? holding your pee all day for a negative preggo test
After the sixth shot I started to slur my pauses.
we're all still whores. we just have a theme song now.
The visine ive been using for four yrs expired. in sept. of 2001.....i will never question my eye problems again.
He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.
i caught him jerking off, doing his SAT Prep. forever alone.
The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night
Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.
Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.
It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
Earlier today I was eating cookie dough from a tube, now I'm laying naked next to a hot guy watching Pawn Stars in between orgasms. You really can have it all.
My penis definitely considers my Captain Cock costume a success
Why does my mask smell like doritoes?
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