i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??
I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.
I'm like a new puppy, everybody wants to touch me
2 v-cards in one night. impossible is nothing.
Phosphoglyceraldehydration... why the fuck is this a word
Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???
I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.
My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.
Sorry. My phone died in the middle of you explaining why we would never work as a couple. Whatever you were gonna say, I probably agree.
Well I accidentally flashed a 76 year old woman, i'm in a house full of republicans and Im almost drunk enough to give the gay rights speech so i'd say this wedding reception is going great
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Seriously. If I'd known all it took was a 29 year old UPS guy to make me feel THIS SEXY, I'd have been fucking them for 30 years.
We sexted for four hours straight. Is this really what my life has come to?
It's a sad day when a deadly hurricane headed your way is less depressing than your relationship status.
can we not speak foreign languages when I'm on drugs
Randomize
