While sitting in bed naked eating ramen and watching the colbert report I realize why random sex happens.
I just saw my grandmother naked. again. this needs to stop now.
The only thing that would make my night better is if William Shatner came and read me a bedtime story.
I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.
i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now
Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?
My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?
The bad news is I fucked my exes girlfriend. The good news is I100% understand why he left me
"Because this is an ongoing legal matter" is how his morning after sex text began. So...
My disney ticket is covered in lube, do you think they will accept it?
There are flour footprints all over the house. Either u guys are trying to pull that Paranormal Activity shit on me again, or u got drunk and tried to make pancakes.
Actually, my eyes didn't start bleeding until the next day. So it was a pretty awesome night overall.
I just sent a Slack that autocorrected tomorrow to gonorrhoea. Please note that Slack autocorrect isn’t very good.
Randomize
