I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now
My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.
I thought I broke my iPhone. I was almost as depressed as the day I broke my vibrator.
its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get
just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
Seriously, she had fingers that made me thank a god I don't even believe in that I'm gay.
The beer shits the day after completing the World Beer Tour at Epcot are just as epic as the tour itself.
I kinda forgave him after he laid next to me and rubbed my arm for four hours while I tripped balls.
Im goin to jail bro ill talk to u sun
Taking a shot every time the Russian in COD says vodka... BEST drinking game ever.
And ANOTHER guy that I once got naked is doing gay porn now. Wtf? Am I the audition?!
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
She was blowing air into green onions and tying knots in them to make "balloons"
Randomize
