you walked into the kitchen holding the skyy bottle and asked us "how do i warm this?"
He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?
Just hit him with your car. I can guarantee he won't do it again.
Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.
she says she's going to shake me awake in 15min intervals if I pass out
this was your mom?
The boat wouldn't start, so we brought it back to her house and we've been sitting in it in her driveway for the past 5 hours drinking beer and yelling at peoplee.
You're the third person who's asked me for an afternoon blow connection in one day. Unreal.
That's more of a you-issue than a me-issue
When do you want to get tanked and forget our entire college education?
if the furniture in my bedroom wasn't shape shifting... this would be a different story.
Only you could make a stripper uncomfortable by eye fucking her too much.
I just had to explain to an 70+ year old lady what 'coitus' was. This was not in my job description.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
you never keep up with shots anymore
I'm trying to be more responsible these days
you fucking tried to take your pants off and pee in Taco Bell's parking lot
He sends me the same inspirational quote quotos that my grandma does. I no longer want to tap that.
Let's just say I peed the bed last night, and I wasn't in it alone. Whoooops
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