Just made out with a pet sitter. His biz card says "even hamsters". Lowest point in my life.
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"
i will be blacked out in the shower. come get me. 20 mins.
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
My therapist thinks I shld paint u something to show u my appreciation 4 ur friendship. 1) she must think I'm rite on the brink of no friends 2) this is real
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
Please brint me miilk. I am on the floor but my door is open. Thank you, i appreciate u verry much.
But is that really the name you want to scream out during climax?
I walked into my house with my pants inside out, no shoes and a limp. My mom asked me if I had fun but I passed out before I could reply...
Colombian exchange intern from my Mom's friend's ranch loves me, and is staying the night because we got each other drunk. Successful Christmas? I think yes.
It would be awesome if I knew whose teeth these were in my pocket
He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.
Had a vaginal orgasm. I feel like I made sex my bitch.
Just left the ER. Only good thing... my hot ass nurse Carlos stripped me.
God works in mysterious ways.
Randomize
