and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.
He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.
was it good sex?
i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was
you better not pull some "waking up at 2 in the afternoon" shit, we have weed to smoke.
your ex girlfriend just barged in my house, drunk, mumbled something about "car strip", and put a huge hole in my drywall with her head.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
Please tell me there isn't another video of me on the toilet...
well we called the liquor store to tell them to stay open five more minutes so we could make it and they recognized our voices. I've never been more proud.
I need a kidney, not a pussy. All the pussy in the world isn't going to save my life. Keep your pussy in your pants and give me a kidney.
Anywho, an ostrich attacked me today. Fucking useless pieces of shit birds.
I'm going to miss recovering from hangovers on the beach. Rolling around in my dorm bed and watching Friends reruns is just gonna feel like slumming it.
Someone brought brownies to work and I was skeptical to eat one then I remembered I was at work and there is no way there is weed in them. Haha I'm blaming you for that.
Can I even tell you how badly I want a day that is just on and off napping and sex with intermittent snack breaks? Because I want that day very badly.
I have never seen a more amazing text message in my entire life.
I don't remember much from my 21st, but my mom said I insisted on the fat guy taking body shots off me
I peed on his bed and he still likes me. #keeper
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