I'm drunk
Is that why you're texting me
Yes
so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero
I think it's just because she's got "I'll sleep with anyone with a decent car" written all over her face.
hes totally cute, too bad i slept with his father
I slept with him to see his dog one last time
just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean
Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
You threw a shot glass at the bartender and still managed to convince him to let us drink more. You are my hero.
I showed my cat the amount of coke I had. She looked concerned.
What has my life come to that I have to spank someone in morse code?
It's the kinda thing that makes you wanna buy a rainbow flag and fight republicans and kiss girls
There's a rash on my genitals that would like a word with you.
All I fucking want right now is a cheeseburger the size of my face
Is it sad that the most attractive guy I've come across in a week that's not my professor is the man doing my pedicure?
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