Like worst hickies ever he always gives them like wtf
There's an old bald Japanese dude on the metra next to me. He's drinking MGD on a crowded train, and rocking out way too hard to what may be the same Dallas Green song I'm listening to. Life is sweet.
All was going smooth until he pulled a condom out of his collection he kept in a Cheesy Gordita Crunch Box from Taco Bell.
She just asked me if I was going to kiss her cat goodby too... This is why we don't stay till last call.
The stripper told me she had been working there for eight years, then got mad when I asked if she was trying to make it into mangment. Awkwardest lap dance
I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.
I need to be more functional. That doesn't mean I'm going to drink less, I just need to wake up and shit
Prerry sure I narrowly avoided being tazed by a swat cop last night... But on the up side, we found my purse.
Then he shook the next streetlight but this one broke and fell over. He told me, "This is the part where we run."
The crowd is chanting "we want sex!" There's a man dressed as bacon. That is all
At first I was nervous about leaving him my undergraduate legacy, but apparently he made out with lesbians, woke up with hickeys and a different shirt. My family name will survive.
i don't remember much about your party last weekend but i remember you being so drunk you were crying in your driveway about pickles at four am
Let's FaceTime each other while we shotgun beers
He just texted me asking for his shirt back and I said I didn't have it and then I ran into him 5 minutes later while wearing the said shirt
Irony: drinking your pre workout supplement out of the cup your Krispy Kreme doughnut holes came in.
Randomize
