At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.
I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.
I'm watching i used to be fat. I've been doing crunches for the last half hour yelling at the slut on tv to stop crying and do crunches.
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It's like split custody, only he's not a kid and they have sex with him.
That's the last time you suggest we can get our tab wiped by out-drinking the bartender.
It was my card, so what do you care that you lost?
Is your card paying for my plan b?
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.
The highlight of my night was when you proclaimed that the man standing next to you smelt like grape medicine...
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Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.
YOU WILL DIE AND I WILL CARVE 'I TOLD YOU SO' ON YOUR HEADSTONE
I should come with a warning like "do not feed me tequila or cocaine, I will ruin the party and cry"
My mom added me on Snapchat which means I am officially done with Snapchat.
My ex boyfriend just amazon primed me a vibrator...guess I seemed stressed?
I’m excited to finally meet my stalkee and his penis!
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