my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.
She called me Spock and proceeded to ask me to 'teach her the ways of the force'. I just couldn't do it after that. No way am I fucking a girl who can't tell the difference between Star Wars and Star Trek.
Problem: At home sick with a stomach virus. Solution: smoke weed all day...
HE KEEPS WALKING AWAY. IT'S LIKE HE DOESN'T EVEN LIKE FRIES. WTF.
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He hid IN a snowbank for 2 hours waiting for me to come home. This game has to stop before someone dies.
Dude she's on meds. He has a ginormous penis. Ur A dumbass. That concludes our feelings chat. Dim Sumday?
She sucks dick like Beethoven on piano, but talking to her is like Simple Jack in Tropic Thunder. Still working out the pros vs cons list.
omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....
HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance
Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.
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She called to say her plane was running late and i had 30minutes to get to the airport for bathroom sex
what are you going as for halloween?
drunk, naked, & emotionally unstable
I asked my mom if she could pick up something for me to drink since we ran out of orange juice and she goes "We have beer, champagne, and baileys. Drink one of those."
My ex's new girlfriends ex boyfriend is getting me my nipples pierced for Valentine's Day so who's the real winner here
I'm seeing how far I can grow my leg hair out before Jason will say anything. I'm up to an inch
i thought the time we went to a party with no shoes on was bad, how about the time you left with no pants on?
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