Kelly Kapowski is pregnant and it's not Zach Morris'. I no longer believe in true love.
Just accidentally pinched my dick between two 50 pound dumbbells while doing shoulder shrugs. God hates me.
Been considering the feasibility of adopting a kangaroo. Yes I'm very serious. And yes I'm very high.
If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?
Get out now.
Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..
Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.
We used the solo cup bag for her hair tie. Desperate times call for desperate measures.
I'm just crazy horny about you
So if a girl goes for it you're gonna stop her and tell her you gave up ejaculation for lent?
I was grossed out that all their candles smelled like vagina and then I remembered where my fingers had been.
Would giving a bouquet of flowers to my mother be a good way to say, "sorry you walked in on my boyfriend eating me out"?
Just gave my thesis presentation, pretty sure I made out with the admissions woman last night.
So I'm going to regale you with a tale of someone who went out, was fed way to many shots, got super wasted and now has a date with one of the security guards from the building but has no idea what his name is. That someone is me
I still can't get the taste of her nipples and the udon noodles out of my mouth
woke up this morning and she was gone. but she left a box of donuts on the counter with a note saying "for all the 'o's you gave me last night"
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