I'm fucking your sister right now.
You motherfucker
She's next.
Espresso. Can't sleep. Love puppies
Please, do not let 'babydaddy' catch on as your petname for me.
How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?
drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip
what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?
I'll just have to do enough fangirling for the both of us. Nipples engaged.
DRAW HIM A PICTURE OF SOME FUCING AWESOME THING. LIKE A UNICORN OR SOME SHIT. FANTASTIC.
Just discovered evidence of drunken eBay bid. Drunk Mike did pretty good -- I'm getting a new sleeping bag.
I'm going to give you the best blowjob of your life. And yes you can use my mom's printer.
He really only has clothes, like 4 boogie boards, and a bong here.
My life has evolved from screwing randos, ok?
You snapped me at 3am drunk laying on your floor asking if I knew how we couldn't have predicted the housing crisis.
Hey. You dropped and smashed your road beer in my store last night. Again. And this time you didn't even order anything. You just walked in, yelled "SWEDISH STYLE!" Then lost your beer, looked depressed, and left.
So you completely disappeared from my memory last night at about my 15th Jager bomb. But only you. No one else.
Randomize
