If I ever start a band I'm gonna name it "Nancy Reagan's Vagina"
ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person
and when i screamed you came in my eye, i found out that everyone else in the room had only pretneded to be sleeping
Ketchup is God's man juice
God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.
Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.
I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.
Having my alarm go off at 3:30 makes me wanna rip my dick off and shove it through my eye socket
Brownies hit. And just found beer. And the bill cosby show is on. And its in spanish.
okay. well, yeah. i'm a mess and a half. this shit is not what dumbledore died for.
There must be a happy medium universe where you get it on with my girlfriend enough to cause me pain but not a full on cardiac arrest. It's a fine line to tread though.
Yeah. I'm so over work, that I'm not even satisfied pretending to work anymore. I just flat out want to go home. Fuck this job
He wants to buy me a wedding ring and pretend to be married to someone else when we fuck. It actually makes me wet thinking about it.
and then you proceeded to throw soup at him for calling you a bitch...a CAN of soup...
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
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