Dude. I just woke up without a shirt or bra on. Apparently I fell asleep with a quesadilla in my mouth. I can feel my liver hating me.
You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.
shes wearing a jean skirt, its frayed. i got this
can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?
what kind of party is this?
the best kind ever
I had the spins so badly it was like I was having sex with 2 girls
I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.
That's because you are an idiot.
You were buying shots for everyone, saying, "I got a tax refund. I'm a MILLIONAIRE."
This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?
she said she wouldn't go home with me until she looked up my name in her sex offender app. do i really give off that vibe?
Yeah. It's not just the beard either.
Lets think Pancakes and sausages into existence
Listen, unless you want to spend your birthday in a trunk, you better invite me
Just bought condoms with a walmart gift card. Thanks grandma.
I slapped a guy during sex last night because he moaned the wrong name. Then I remembered I gave him a fake name. Sorry bro.
I'll just say I told you so at your funeral
All the doctor said was why
Randomize
