Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.
you told me to make out with him to promote the social success of the sorority
never thought i'd see a ''climb of shame'' until she came down from the attic in front of the whole party..
I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.
There's a wake for a coworker on 420 during te time of 420... Hoping everyone will be too sad to notice how high I am.
I think mom knows I'm drunk I put a full blown balloon in the fridge.
#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.
I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.
Downloaded the Pocket Penguin app. There are now penguins living in my phone. Technology is wonderful.
What's protocol when the 18 year old son of an anti-gay preacher sends you a message on Grindr during church?
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
He told me I was a good dog mom. I've never been so turned on in my life
I got a discount on the lube for giving the cashier focaccia bread from work.
I’m really upset they canceled the conference. Since the divorce I’ve been working out, I bought cute new outfits and even found a bikini I liked. Now it’s all online. You can’t get laid at a webinar
IT WAS A FUCKING ELEPHANT I SWESR!!!!!
Nathan, I haven't spoken to you in 12 years and it's 6am. Kindly fuck off.
Randomize
