I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"
Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"
i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation
She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.
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She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it
there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere
I didn't think about how painful the pumpkin seeds coming up the next morning would be. Oh well, I'm good at making pumpkin seeds and that's all that matters.
I can't believe you big bird do not remember battling a shark last night it turned into a Pokemon battle and big bird over powered the shark
I had not one but two drunk coworkers text me and hit on me tonight. I feel like I've finally been accepted into my dysfunctional workplace
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Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Just spread butter on my bathrobe. This has been an ace morning.
Also I'm sorry for asking you to shave my vagina for me last night
He called me at 4 a.m. and wanted me to drive him to McDonald's then drop him off at home. It wasn't even a booty call, it was a fucking chauffeur call.
We popped the air mattress last night via sex and we just kept going but it feels like I have a bruise on every vertebrae
I didn't even mind that he came early I just wanted to get eaten out and cuddle