My roommate was eating ketchup out of a bowl. Get me the hell out of here.
Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard
explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.
According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.
Is there a word for someone who only has sex with NFL prospects?
says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl
Not much, really baked..... beethoven is AMAZING it's like i'm flying in space with baby jesus
chimney cleaner pole that expands when button is pushed then pull out. Remember that. We have to patent it.
Who are you high with right now?
You're the Michael Phelps of my vagina. Most decorated Fuckolympian of all time.
Am I going to be on condom boxes?
I was mid hand job and stopped me because he wanted to "connect" which meant putting his thumb in between my eyebrows and a hand over my heart and closing our eyes...
Nobody knows who they are, but they have an ice luge so they are welcome in my book
Dude I just saw a beer truck w taps in the side... It's like god heard my prayers and sent me a gift from heaven
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Can't feel body but making pizza rolls