I just did something awful... i just had to tell someone... i just used my brothers electric face cleaner as a vibrator
What are you wearing to our high school reunion?
I don't know, What kind of dress says "I feel sorry for you people?"
This is why you don't make out with cougars at a bar... I got a linkedin request from her, wtf?
Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.
...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.
Your dad just texted me? He said I needed to holler at him when I get up tomorrow. I honestly thought you had somehow gone to jail.
the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic
Your dress got me laid by one of Obama's Secret Service members. Patriotic duty, check.
Did copperhead road at the bar. All the girl next to me did was stare at my glorious bouncing tits. CAN I FUCKING HELP YOU?? I worked hard for these tits.
Her vagina was like a painting you can put your face in.
just so you know.. snorkeling hungover: great decision. I was throwing up and he couldn't even tell!
The amount of drunk I'm going to get tonight will be somewhere between Jim lahey and bojack horseman
That's actually very serious....I really do think of you whenever is see pizza
At what point did i decide poptarts, nyquil, and whiskey was a good idea?
He agreed to matching Christmas pajamas today, no guy does that for a girl he’s not seriously considering marrying.
Randomize
