I sometimes forget that turkeys are alive even when its not Thanksgiving.
My stomach is making the worst sounds, probably because there is nothing but semen in it.
look what he's done to me, i actually want to be a stripper now.
she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.
Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?
What do I wear to meet his family/put his dog to sleep? Is there even an appropriate outfit for this occasion?
Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...
It was like an ecstasy filled massage for my vagina.
That's the best compliment I have ever received.
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
Well don't pass out under a Swedish flag and people won't make assumptions
Actually here it's more "lie around naked in a dark room" weather.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
I called you daddy and let you stick things in my butt, I am a damn 11.
Masturbated furiously for a half hour; ate a fistful of chocolate, then took a nap. Woke up and finished wrapping presents. I've got this holiday thing down.
this is the second day the intern has gotten me coffee. he either wants to bang me or thinks I'm more important than I am.
either way he's in for disappointment