I just threw up, I'm either bulemic or pregnant, and I'm now accepting bets on which it is
Every time I type "should" my phone autocorrects to "shouldn't". even my phone knows my ideas are terrible.
It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"
I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.
21 Of The Most Regrettable Tattoo Ideas Ever
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
I'm sorry you couldn't sneak away today. You're the only guy I'm fucking that I can talk with about the other guys I'm fucking, and I need some advice
She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him
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Its not even real halloween yet. This extremely toxic yet briliant costume is going to kill me
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Im fairly sure two chicks roofied me last night. Suckers. I love free drugs.
I think I'm leaving the streamers and balloons up from 4th of july till after he stops by. It'll be like the universe is celebrating his massive dick.
I'm to sober to make life ruining decisions and alcohol is to expensive at this bar for me to fear that level of drunk happening
Does being an adult mean drunkenly signing for your tax return from a foreign country? If so, I've reached adulthood.