I'm so fucking pissed that I wasted my shooting star wish on him and his little penis.
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Dude, this old lady messaged me on Facebook talking about her grandson and wanted to know shit about me. I'd almost call her a cougar except she looks like mashed potatoes that have come alive.
I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.
I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"
All of the sudden your world had become nothing but the sum of visible dicks. Welcome to life.
I projectile vomited in his sisters room where the toiled would have been if it were the bathroom.
Based off the amount of cat hair on my poncho....i stole a cat last night.
I'm so sad at the lack of dick in my life I am going to get sauced and make rice krispy treats
I was actually kind of excited. I mean, how many people can say they've been question by the CIA?
Ugh. My life is a never ending cycle of bad decisions and taquitos.
He brought me a bottle of Jack, got me off 3 times, & then left. This is the best fakelationship ever!
Dear Andy-the problem is not that I slept with your girlfriend, it's that you didn't know she's a lesbian.
You threw up everything but your ovaries.
Sorry about kicking you last night but you don’t mess with a girls margarita bucket. Ever
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