I can't believe all I ate yesterday was half a turkey sandwich and 20 finger licks of exctasy.
I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.
I just spend twenty minutes scrubing the "Happy Birthday" off of my vagina. He's never gonna forget this.
apparently i walked around all last night forcing people to beer bong whatever drink was in their hand. so far this morning ive had three people refer to me as beer bong man
I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth
I was more obsessed with the sweat stain on her back that was simultaneously shaped like a vagina and the virgin Mary.
Right now, millions of people are waking up to get ready for work, start their day, and be productive members of society. I just found a 40 stashed in my fridge. I'm getting daybreak drunk. Zero fucks are given.
Isn't being unemployed beautiful sometimes?
Jelly. This is your "are you still alive" text. Any response will do.
Hey I found a cat!
Why is there soup literally in every orifice of my body?
Sounds good. Look at us. Planning sex like proper adults.
Nobody wants to date "Eats Taco Bell Secretly In Her Car" Girl
of all the things that should kill me, scurvy wont be one of them
She was drunk at Red Robin. She asked for more fries and then shoved them in her purse while saying "Come on bitches, you're coming with me" to them.
Just stopped at a cross walk because the light turned red 3 streets down. I'm way too high.
Sorry didnt text you yesterday. had to put restraining order on my ex.
Randomize
