i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting
boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill
i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.
Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?
Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...
I'm handcuffed to your bathroom sink. Save me.
mallory made a planned parenthood decision maker flow chart again.
scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck
Now you know my pain. Live with it. Own it. Recognize it. Cause its like shitting napalm.
I'm not drunk because I think my blood just is alcohol from last night so being drunk is sober. If that makes sense
30 year old woman with braces and crocs came into the store today with her boyfriend. what am I doing wrong.
I described my life as a 7 layer cake of death
We aren't doing Shrooms tonight bc that would be friendship cheating on you
You were only speaking with either thumbs up, thumbs down, or high fives haha
You can't hold me to anything I said last night; I was drunk on orgasms.
Randomize
