I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style
swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."
buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.
So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.
Snuck into a camper in someone's yard. Hotboxing. Can't wait until they go in it.
I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.
SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR
Denim handjobs are the worst handjobs. I hate all handjobs. Why do people even.
I just made some sangria and taking a roadie on my stroller walk around the hood! Parenting at its finest
Guy pissing in the corner in downtown Boston as his girlfriend is covering him up, yelling "relationship goals"
His ex told me that she wanted me to "take care of" him but from the way she said it I couldn't tell if she wants me to look after him or murder him.
I’m sorry I got high and yelled about the patriarchy.
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Unfortunately the rum ran out midway through our viewing and we had to suffer in silence for the rest of it.
Randomize
