Whatcha textin bout Willis?
So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.
Someone shattered a urinal.
Some advice...don't play drunk rock em sock em robots. With actual people. I have bruises EVERYWHERE.
i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.
Missing part of a tooth cos I tried to open a beer with my teeth, just saw a dude that looked like bill Cosby though so things are looking up
Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.
Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.
I know that we've never been that tight but I want you to meet my cat before I move.
I saw a shooting star while he was eating me out at 3am by my neighbors pool. Doesn't get more magical than that
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
Drunk me wants sober me to be happy, woke up with half a dozen doughnuts in my bed this morning.
i wish i could put you in a lil box, and keep you for when i need to be blown
It's sunday night and I just went to the store to buy cookie dough and condoms, I'm so proud of myself.
Randomize
