thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
Drunk off five beers on a Tuesday. I'm not sure which part of that statement is more sad
Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.
I wish you could see how much hot sauce and broken glass are in our apartment right now.
We're 17 hours into a 3 day weekend, and he's already shitfaced. He fell of the dock TWICE and insisted on wearing a life jacket on dry land.
Thought it only fitting this Jubilee weekend to snort lines with a 50 note
Your patriotism amazes me, the Queen would be proud!
I think I was the only one who knew you were acting like you weren't drunk in public issues discussion this morning. Make sure you thank me in your Academy Award Speech someday.
Girl this is ridiculous I told my self that I would stop having sex in stairwells yet it keeps happening
Best line overheard at the bar: "This is the last time I'm shaving my ass for him...I mean we just broke up".
I want a shirt that says, "I'm sorry for the things I said when it was Taco Tuesday"
Me and mom just bonded over our mutual desire to bang Mark Ruffalo. I'm not sure how to feel about this.
Remember when we got high off our ass and you talked me into running in place then punched me in the face and said it was a wall?
Ya, you were bleeding for an hour and a half
ill drive you to the airport today if we can have sex first
i left yesterday
ill pick you up from the airport on sunday if we can have sex after
I got drunk and bought a house last night. Also, I threw up on Mike's lawn. I'm pretty excited about one of those two things.
Have you considered murder?
Other than my credit score and this bowl of oatmeal, not really. It's very messy
Randomize
