I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.
Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.
I dove into a random van at the bar as the door was closing and ended up at some house with people I've never met in my life dancing in a basement
Well sundance is in town and Im going to use my one and only shot to bang Taylor swift... Does it count as a random if shes famous?
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
If I come back tomorrow to find a certain football player tied up and locked in your closet, shit's gonna get real.
I'll set him free tomorrow morning ;)
He woke me up at 5am to recite nursery rhymes to our fictitious unborn child.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
I made everyone scream the national anthem with me after playing true American last night. I'm pretty much their leader now.
I am stoned at Disneyland with my little brother. It's gonna be a good day.
Also, I just opened Google to find the lyrics to California Gurls. Karaoke night did us dirty.
sober me is the one who makes bad decisions every boyfriend I've ever had I met sober
You're wearing pigtails and giving away our kitchen appliances. Clearly, you're drunk.
Replacing my paralegal is easy. Replacing my favorite office fuck toy is a totally different story. Damn him for wanting to better himself instead of being my manwhore
Randomize
