Can't imagine what could be worse than pet-naming your penis, but I'll let it go.
We could sell used underwear with pictures of us wearing them.
The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.
we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.
he proposed by singing a showtune... he might as well have had a cock in his mouth at the time
WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!
I made mike pull over so I could lay in the grass. He made me get up cuz I looked dead and people were passing. It was like 6:30am.
And if I hated you I'd probably say things like, "I never want to speak to you again," or, "Eat a bag of dicks." That's how you'd know.
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
My wife just tried to justify to me why she wants to bring a girl into bed with us. I should win an academy award for my face and response of 'well of its what you need.'
I feel like Captain Morgan shit all over my hopes and dreams last night...
Did we seriously steal a wet floor sign from McDonald's then get chased down by a homeless man for it? Never drinking again.
I cried while dry heaving in the back of the car to the New York song with jay z in it. I was singing it inbetween gags.
HE WAS SUPPOSED TO BE THE TROPHY HUSBAND! I WAS GOING TO BE THE SUCCESSFUL ONE!
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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