your dick doesn't do me any good in arizona
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same
you broke into my aparment at three in the morning wearing long johns and offered me beer.
i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone
How did I end up in the pool?!
Welcome to ASU
I just blurted out "it's pretty tight isn't it"
never underestimate the power of walking into a bar alone in uv cat makeup.. took home a seven foot man
How do I explain the handcuffs and tanning goggles on our living room floor? There's rope too. The cats love the rope.
If you say no to drinking on a Monday then I'm going to take you to the hospital for a MRI
hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?
yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
I went to the strip club tonight. I had never gone, and in a panic I gave the dancer giving me a lap dance a handshake and introduced myself. Redefines business casual.
If there's one thing I think I could really excel it, it's curating a midlife crisis
You threw him in the dryer?
He went in of his own accord. Mumbled something about experiencing the blossoming of popcorn.
Randomize
