my "about me" section on Facebook should read "hell-bound alcoholic who wants to fuck a 40-year-old crackhead"
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
isnt this the same guy you hooked up with on his birthday and he then asked, "you were at me birthday?" the next time you were together?
I will tell my future kids about the time I went to the bar with a stomach virus. Like a champ.
I feel like parents watching our children. You want to step in and help them but you just have to let them make their mistakes
How can other people our age be acting like adults when I'm still taking my birth control pill with left over gin and tonic from the night before?
okay we need to get tested.
no YOU need to get tested. I'm just going along for the ride.
It was all fun and games until she said "you're so pretty I wanna punch you in the face" and the proceeded to punch her in the face
I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out
why what happened?
Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.
then a garbage truck rolls up to the club, they hop out, and walk right in like they own the place
I had fresh baked oatmeal cookies, tacos AND was on deck to give a stellar blow job. You'd think that'd be a win/win/win situation.
Last night when we banged she had nothing else on but socks that said 'property of Jesus' on them.
This weekend was amazing, 4 confirmed pukings, 2 cops, 3 hookers, one photographed t-bagging of the groom, and a night in an illegal gambling house.
On a brighter more disgusting note...... I think I just shart myself but I'm too afraid to find out.
hey im sorry i made fun of the color of your sheets, but like it was all i could focus on during sex because they were just THAT UGLY
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