I had to puke in a pizza box on the drive home. People saw.
i'm at the point now where i want him to say anything. even an apology for his boomerang-shaped penis would be nicer than no comment.
You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.
Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.
Impromptu road trip to New Orleans for four days of Mardi Gras. I'll probably be alive and back for Valentine's Day plans, probably won't stick my dick in some random either-might be using my free pass you cheating asshat. Love you. Expect random texts & probably a drunk dial or twelve. You did this to yourself. You're not invited so don't bother. Have fun at work.
If you've never been pounded by an Eastern European body builder, I would highly recommend it.
He's probably the biggest I've seen outside of the porn I vehemently deny watching and he asks if I think he's too small
like stop just cause your whole life has been one enormous reject pile does not mean that i have to suffer too
No one understands the complete and utter debilitating 3 day bday bender.
You called his parrot a seagull, a pigeon and a rat with wings, and told it to go eat Cheetos out of a dumpster.
We met up and made out in front of an empanada spot, if that's not romance then idk what is.
You ever sit back and realize our friendship is based off us ranting at each other with random animal photos thrown in
Lol I'm not having group sex with you, that apron is fuckin awesome tho
We need to get walkie talkies for when we're drunk so if we are at different parties or lost we can talk
so all I remember is hig-fiving the cop and then sprinting away. considering I'm not in jail, I count that as a win.
Randomize
