upper decked the toilet at the restaurant that wouldn't let me pee there yesterday
I'm scared. I feel like she's my mom and she just walked in on me having sex. Like she's "disappointed"
Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.
After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.
Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.
That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.
i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.
Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?
Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?
Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.
I don't know. What do people who don't get stoned do?
You're like Jane Goodall in a forest of gay men. Someday your autobiography will be called "Bottoms in the Mist".
Incase you were wondering. Cooking naked turns into sex. Sex and cooking may lead to house fire....
He called his dick "The Beast" and said he lived "The Beast Life". He was pretty but it was better if he didn't talk.
All I'm saying is Europe has not been easy on my vagina.
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
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