i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.
im watching my roommate bang this girl. she doesn't look like she's any good, because he has a bored look on his face...
I just puked in the mop bucket at work. I think I need to go home.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter
Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake
It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on
Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.
Hooked up with a guy resembling a bearded Cher. I need the lenses on my beer goggles fixed. Pronto.
I think it was a smart move. Quickest way to get over a guy, hook up with his friends.
Only a true best friend would remind you to make sure your cucumber dildo is organic
My party ended early and I have a mountain of shrimp and weed
i love how you, my friend, sends me a picture of herself wearing a shirt that says "i am dead inside" and i'm just like "awww baby you're so cute"
that's just solidarity
Whose the chick running for dorm president promising bigger dicks and softer toilet paper? That’s who I m voting for
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