Words i added to my t9 today: gnomes, facebook, and chlamydia.
His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.
I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..
just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party
I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day
Eh. They balance each other out
The maintenance guy says happy birthday. Also, he likes your penis balloon.
Oh if we have sex in public no one will frown upon it. They will stand and cheer for it
I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.
My mom just told me she would flash her tits to a cop to get me out of jail, and then we high-fived.
I just got the two most enjoyable things in life in one... Weed delivered in bubble wrap.
Dude. Got a sore throat. Don't know if it's because my body is rejecting Michigan or cause of the bad ass blow job I gave last night
I broke a rule
Which One?!
The one where I shouldn't sleep with your friends. I broke this particular rule 4 times.
You're officially the worst brother ever.
how do I say, without sounding slutty... That I can take a dick?
I think him and kristen are pretty serious now.. I dont think he cheats on her, anymore.
we had to take 10 shots sometime before midnight, then 11 shots between midnight and 1. so yes its gonna be a rough day.
Randomize
