Someone's got a whale tail
A thong is hangin out?
No, a fatty following them
Just woke to a Christmas wrapped pack of hotdogs in my bathtub. How high did we get?
I just got an email from a bridal website with the subject "Countdown to your Wedding Day"... is 11AM too early to drink the rest of the wine we have?
So what do you think the policy is on vomit in rental cars? do I have to clean that up or is that part of the service I'm paying for?
We just ended up getting drunk and doing field sobriety tests on each for practice... No one remembers who passed.
Apparently I was so drunk I threw my entire wallet at the stripper on stage. That was the third time I should've gotten kicked out.
She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?
Pretty sure I'm going to hell because of our friendship
Last one there wins
I'm praying that the company stray cat shows up tomorrow. I think I may have hit it while leaving Friday. Nobody will believe it was an accident after I hit the last one.
Mostly i might never get belligerent again because im gonna have to keep track of a diamond ring.
I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job
This is stupid. I am not getting knocked up from fucking in his backseat behind a starbucks. I refuse.
Munching saltines, sippin Gatorade, and trying not to get eaten by this small horse
Sorry, i'm on a strict diet of vodka and regret
You went into my bathroom put on my bathrobe.. Said excuse me then went in my front yard and started yelling who ate my whopper..
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