apparently i broke a 100 dollar bill to tip the bartender on a free drink
my dad just secretly slid me a nugg in front of my mom. remind me why I moved away for college??
her dad's the mattress king, she's genetically engineered to be good in bed
Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.
I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.
You got ahold of his prescription papers and gave out prescriptions for cranberry and vodka
Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.
Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?
Mixed review. I fucked her in the river, but then we were assaulted by ducks.
You are so predictable. I am willing to bet 20$ that instead of going out you are sitting on your couch, stoned, watching Seinfield re-runs and eating cheezits.
1. they're goldfish. 2 fuck you
I just ate cottage cheese and went to the gym at 6 this morning...the things i'll do because I might get naked in front of a new boy
Well I kept shouting "you're groovy" at him and then I had a 15-minute argument with the bouncer about how many 9s there are in 100... it was definitely time to go home.
Drank vodka clubs for 6 hours last night. Holy shit just realized that.
Tell him that his phone is taped to the dog's stomach. Stop trying to call it because it makes him scared.
I would have wore underwear last night if I knew I had to change a tire this morning
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