update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.
the house was on fire??
shit I thought I told you.
You came on your own forehead. Just wanted to remind you that.
no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow
Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME
You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend
He is making me drink his THC water out of a milk jug.
Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?
There should be a promo code on the Papa Johns website for "I have no moneys but if you send a cute delivery guy I will pay him in blow jobs."
Is it considered a bad morning to find your boss half naked in the parking lot of work at 7am?
That depends, how hot is your boss?
Dude hobos go hard. I learned a lot last night.
Well, she yelled at the stripper that she couldn't lick whipped cream off his nipples because she is lactose intolerant.
I just have to decide what I love more, food or dick.
The playlist was "songs to sing in the shower". I literally got fucked to Footloose.
chipped my right front tooth on a toilette. i figure if i keep drinking i won't care for at least 2 days
thought i saw a dude in a kilt yesterday, but then i realized he was doing a walk of shame. happy st. paddy's day.
Randomize
