Just paid for that girls abortion on my dad's black card. I feel like P-Diddy.
i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed
Talking her gay man friend into dancing with me officially makes me the world's best wingman. ever.
i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.
What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple
That's why they call him "the cheesegrater".
I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.
He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
She tried to sleep on the front steps of her salon so she wouldn't be late for work and these people put her in a cab to my house. She is nothing if not responsible. Can u imagine her boss finding her there this morning?
Employee of the year! :)
I feel like he's only with me because no one else would blow him.
WHY did you say no to the sex seance?
When I said to give it to me hard and fast, I didn't mean like 15 seconds fast.
Also this time, I didn't have a random creepy guy come up from behind me, grab my junk, and whisper "where's the cocaine?" in my ear. So that's also a win.
just made a presentation to 40 students and my professor about morals and ethical issues..still drunk. at 8am. I wish I could remember how it went.
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