I just saw how many times I called you last night. You're welcome.
mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day
I know she was great
IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.
It's one of those days where you order the free Papa John's pizza so the delivery guy can bring you Coke to go with your rum. The tip was more than the order.
Haha. Fifty shades ain't got shit on me. My tits look like they got in a fight.
I approve. Last time I was there, I left E's room to get a drink of water. Found M sitting on the kitchen counter in his boxers hammered and eating a banana. He proceeded to feed me the rest of his banana then went to bed with the lights on. You two will be great.
I think I'm going to add the date I dumped his sorry ass as a life event on FB.
I think that's justified.
Yelling at the starbucks lady to write Beyoncé on my cup
Ugh he's so pretty though. He bit my face at the bar because I tried to steal his ID and I forgave him
I told him that I wanted his dick like I wanted a jumbo hot dog. There something wrong with my priorities
Nothing better then waking up to multiple snap stories of people doing body shots of tequlia off of you
Oh damn it. Let me get a beer. I can't take anymore bad news. Hold on.
You don't have to buy me dinner, watch tv or even hang out if you don't want. Just fuck.
I had a dream I hooked up with Post Malone. I can still smell the dream
I'm listening to a women in metal station and wearing a flannel. I may have approached peak lesbian.
Randomize
