Seriously, I would hit on barney the dinosaur right now if it meant I was going to get laid.
Found my sandals in your freezer this morning, THANKS
this just has baby written all over it
all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed
I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job
I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.
Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.
omg. i wish i could describe to you the number of things that were just in my vagina. i feel like i got gangbanged by construction workers.
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
Her text was so long it had an arrow to expand it. You know it's bad when even your iPhone can't handle her
You kept trying to make cocktails with my protein powder last night...
I've never SEEN someone give negative fucks before. It's actually rather impressive. I want to study under them.
THERE IS A MAN IN THE BATHROOM IN COLONIAL GARB GET HERE
I think I had Hypothermia but was too drunk to notice.
so i went over to her house and we played crash bandicoot, ate calzones, and had sex all day. im in love.
He bought me a bottle of Malibu. I think I could love this guy.
I've loved people for a lot less.
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