Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood
I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.
It's so hard to find a shirt to wear out that is easily taken off, cut off my paramedics, but says "I'm a grown, respected woman"
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's
Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer
I woke up covered in his pee. And then he poked me on Facebook.
I just conducted a skype meeting drunk and in the middle of a cornfield. I don't even think they noticed.
We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.
trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit
Saw my drug dealer at Easter mass with his family so that was weird
Bro.. I am absolutely going to have sex with our old middle school health teacher
We both knew it was over when I took a u turn at her belly button.
I'm laying in bed cuddling with my teddy bear and eating waffles. I need a fucking boyfriend
I don't know what kind of bucket list you have, but having sex with a tree isn't on mine...
Randomize
