I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.
WAKE UP. GET ME THE PILL. AND SAVE MY LIFE
hey. who tried to drive me home last night?
not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?
i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.
We just described beer as "big boy apple juice" to his 2 year old.
i pounded out a 17-yr-old on saturday night
no, that is not a typo
i turned her down on fri night, googled the state consent laws & then caved on saturday
You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"
level of my singleness - just ate a whole pizza topless in bed.
You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
Because at some point last night we decided that shotgunning beers from a paint stick was a good idea
Sorry for all the texts. I got wasted and woke up at the foot of a staircase. From what I can gather, I fell down it.
He was just lying in his underwear like a present. I had to unwrap it.
My roommate walked in naked grabbed my hand and pulled me into her room to see her randoms dick.
Now I am free. And I want to go meet men. My phone deleted all my contacts, and I consider this to be a new beginning. With a new man in my phone book.
Randomize
