yo i have your phone
... oh so you probably won't get this message
There is a girl getting fingered on my left, a middle aged drink man smoking a bong and two girls flashing the cameras in front of me. I'm in the middle trying to maintain my innocence.
i just witnessed two asians having sex for the first time ten feet away from me..hes having a seizure..what the duck is going on???
I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.
TO ALL WHO WERE IN MY HOUSE LAST NIGHT: WHOEVER STOLE MY BONG AND PUT IT ON THE ROOF WILL BE PAYING MY HOSPITAL BILL FROM LAST NIGHT.. AND BUYING ME A NEW, SWEETER BONG.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
i just stole a 8 pack of olde english 40s and 2 roles of duct tape. we are going to make edward proud tonight.
It was like the devil him self busted his red hot satanic nuts all over my face and burned my eyes out of my innocent sockets.
Our DD will meet us there. The strippers are sending a limo to pick him up. He promised them New Years Eve massages. Said he would still drive us home.
This is why you have to watch more Zombie movies- to prepare for End Times...
No clue what you did last night, sorry. You did hand me a pizza and a mason jar with $1200 in small bills in it when I let you in though.
This girl was in the river screaming that someone didn't love her anymore...that's when the guy in a kilt claimed her...
it was weird going down on him. His picture of Jesus was staring at me the entire time...
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
Just sent a nude with the caption "seasons greetings from our family to yours"
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