actually, I'm a sock model
I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.
I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache
youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer
Only I can have a panic attack in the back seat of a cop car and have them move me to the front seat.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
But the real question is how many people didn't see my dick last night?
I think I need a restraining order. I had 15 "selfies" of him on my camera roll......my phone has a lock code on it.
If anyone remembers any details of tonight please address concerns to my lawyer. This is a mass text.
I tried to have sex on someone's sisters horse last night
STOP BUYING ALADDIN PANTS WITH MY AMAZON CREDIT CARD
You know it was a good dinner party when one of the guests broke their finger and no one can remember how it happened.
Im gonna start dry humping the manequins and see if i get fired.
I shit myself and fell down the stairs and I’m still finding shit In those pants.
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