What's everyones problem with my costume?!
It looks like a unicorn came on your face.
dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five
bitch
My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.
well i had to explain to their mom why the kids i babysit for won't stop repeating the phrase "nice juicy guido"
can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.
should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?
did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring
He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna
I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.
WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD
I usually don't buy birthday presents for my booty calls
But you'll make an exception
probably not
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!
Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.
You were a for sure 10. You put on a traffic cone to meet someone.
Yep, you're going to hell.
I take on this great possibility with a beer in one hand and the girl I'm gonna fuck later in the other
Randomize
