I molested 6 butterflies tonight
News Flash: Turtles are cuter than Jesus.
Congrats on damning at least 10 generations of your offspring to hell with just one text message. Way to start your morning off right.
long story short: there's a file in the master file cabinet labeled "lube".
His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled
I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.
that's probably because you left your arm in the fishtank for 90% of the night
I created a new solo drinking game. You need a handle, a laptop, and a shitty internet connection. Start watching the fort video in the que, play the snake while the videos constantly load, and take a drink everytime you fuck up. There was a video of a an asain female Justin beiber impersonator full screen when I woke up.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.
My dad, when he got home and saw me loading a bowl in the living room: "We have TWO beautiful balconies to get high on and you pick the couch?!"
Bro... You handed me an ice cube from your drink and said "tell me if it tastes like pickles".
I had to puke in a ditch beside a cow pasture and like 50 cows just stood there and watched. I could feel the judgment.
Does Jesus have blonde highlights? Pretty sure I saw him in a lavender shirt and Sperry's.
He carried around a bottle of jäger the whole night and when everyone thought the cops came, he started doing push ups in the middle of the floor cause he said it calmed him down.
Was banging my ex last night when his roommate walked in... We kept going. #goaheadandwatch
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