i was concerned by what you said you would do for a snickers. It wasn't even a Klondike bar.
we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Peach margaritas. And fuck whatever you're about to say, the girl to guy ratio is like 6:1. I need those odds
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I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.
He came into the hospital yelling "HEY EVERYBODY! REMEMBER ME?"
In hindsight, the torn ligament in my knee is probably the fault of the ginbucket and jager bombs starting at 3pm. I guess I'll stop blaming it on you.
We left your bucket of puke on your doorstep to clean out yourself. You're welcome.
My bullwhip has saved my life tonight and gotten me laid. I'm gonna be Indiana Jones every Halloween!
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Come get your boy. He's cuddling with a bag of rice on the floor.
Did you know there is a guy on the porch, wrapped in your snuggie, singing no woman no cry and drinking wine coolers?
I really couldn't care less what she looks like. That's why The Lord Our God gave us doggy-style.
The fact that I am laying in bed on my stomach with an ice pack on my rump is a clear indication that I am no longer in my carefree 20s
Moral of the story: I had sex to Back to the Future last night.
You know how it is. Tell me not to do somebody and suddenly I wanna.