You smell like a Billy Joel song
So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup
Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.
It's never good when you wake up covered with burns
new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.
Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday
Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"
dude, you were feeling up her boob for 20 minutes in front of the guy she was hitting on because you and her had an argument over who had bigger boobs.
hey man, it was for science okay.
Yeah man i woke up and only had a Jimmy John's wrapper covering myself..
What I'm saying is DOWNGRADE. Like, do you see the caps lock?
I stopped his blowjob to raise 3 fingers & whistle the hunger games tune to the people walking past the window
We need to leave a grand offering for the god of free booze and salvia.
My tinder date had to be home by 8:30 cause she's on house arrest.
Morning fuck and a coffee. ARE YOU READY TO CONQUER THE GALAXY WITH ME??
i'm extremely hungover on the ski bus and the driver is playing abba. this. is. not. okay.
Randomize
