Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?
You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.
theres a dog humping me and im not going to stop it... i really need to get laid.
thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina
we got our roommate high for the first time. He went into his room alone and watched Malcolm in the middle for three hours
Well at one point you put icyhot on your feet because you lost your shoes and it was snowing outside.
Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.
Dude give me 4 good reasons we shouldn't trade girlfriends tonight
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?
I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.
Topless dodge ball cldnt top that
My liver is preforming stress tests.
You poured all their beer into ziploc baggies so it would be "better on the go"
Well, thanks for not letting me sleep with anyone, but no thanks for telling everyone I have the clap.
So I was having a really bad night...so I decided to steal a pumpkin.
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