Yes, I fucked her, no she wasn't that loose, yes she caused more drama than a 14 year old girl
I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.
I want to die. Marc and I were making out in the hallway and fell into a fire hose in a glass case. It shattered everywhere. Everyone thought we fell out a window. I think I have glass in my back. Awesome.
Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.
Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow
I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME
I am gathering blankets and bags of horse grain to pad my truck bed so I have a comfy place to crash when I get home, without the inconvenience of stairs. Or doors. Or walking. But with the refreshing scent of molasses.
The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years
I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.
So if her brother fucks my brother, can I just tell her that anal sex is in her genes?
I don't know if dry shampoo will fix the decisions we made last night.
Are we gonna talk about that cunnilingus snap
He stopped mid thrust ... To check snap chat .. From his roomie
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Also I've decided to start stealing shot glasses after I do the shots. You in?
Randomize
