Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.
i have accomplished my summer goal of being able to relate to every taylor swift song
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.
He's engaged. If the world's smallest penis can find true love than I can too.
theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.
Why is there bacon braided in my hair
It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.
My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away
Got back to find Sarah in her underwear eating peanut butter and watching Arrested Development with the thermostat at eighty.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
He made the Waffle House lady get me out of the car. This isn't a joke.
Teacher vividly described one of the times he did shrooms, sat down, sighed, and told everyone to go do drugs and let us out 15 minutes into class. I love community colleges
I've never met a penis that didn't think I was awesome.
Tell her that we understand the angle wasn't the best on the first video and that we forgive her.
Randomize
