I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.
ive decided theres a fine line between accepting money for sex and letting someone buy you late night taco bell and knowing that if he hadnt you wouldnt be in his bed right now
she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.
all i wanna do is slam about 38 beers eat a whole pizza and wake up naked in the taco bell parking lot
He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?
he broke up with me while standing outside, half naked, waiting to fuck him. i feel like a leper right about now.
My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!
I ended up on the roof were calling it a tie
I resisted the temptation to hold the cake in one hand to alternate bites with the ruffles I was eating. I decided that might make me look dysfunctional.
Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!
legit question. can i put a condom down our garbage disposal? my rents are coming over in 20
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
I'm drinking coffee out of a pasta sauce jar and eating fruit soaked in Smirnoff. I think I've hit rock bottom.
She's nice. But even when I am with her I am thinking of her mom, literally the hottest woman on earth.
I'm making a sandwich topless right now. Remind me again why I don't have a boyfriend?
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