Just asked what her favorite part of a guys body is. She said ballsack. I'm in love.
this morning my mom told me to get a new vibrator because mine was too loud last night
i fell asleep watchin iron chef that was the blender she heard. i dont even own a vibrator
What happened last night?
You soiled yourself again and told everybody that you'd given birth.
There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.
The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast
If she were to ever cheat on her husband, I'm positive I'm the the go to guy. Which flatters me and weirds me out at the same time.
Ohhhh sweet! I may be down for that. I'll be a german beer girl probably passed out on a park bench somewhere.
We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.
yesterday you declined a drink because you "didn't want to be responsible for it" ok kanye...
Boss out of town. Had 2 beers for lunch, a long walk and a bowl...and then in he comes. Blamed obvious intoxication on my pain meds. Back at the bar. This is one of those bad judgement days.
Vodka and Jamison is not a mixed drink
I JUST GOT WOKEN UP TO HIM PISSING ON ME SAYING "IT HAS TO HAVE WATER TO GO TO THE BATHROOM" AND AFTER HE FINISHED HE DIDNT REMEMBER DOING IT
It turned from Netflix and chill to cringeworthy YouTube videos and chill. At least he's honest.
She was calling him Bob Saget and asking him to buy her shots....how do you think the night went?
He was talking about his friends deceased ferret and I still managed to orgasm.
Now THAT is dedication!
Randomize
