I bet he comes in French.
and while your girlfriend wears your relationship pants, i'll be wearing my ecstasy pants
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
He literally stopped in the middle of sex to look up sex positions on his iPhone...
my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now
Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses
The guy I fucked in San Diego is camping with us for coachella... Awk.
THESE BITCHES NOT IN MY MAJOR BETTER NOT FILL UP MY SLAVIC FAIRYTALES CLASS
I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement
Dude you were ten when he graduated
Wahoowaaaaaaa
I haven't been sober in 4 days.
Then be sober
No.
Good morning! So would you prefer me to show up kind of late or on time but looking like I got chewed up and spat out by an episode of Buffy the Vampire Slayer?
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
Getting robbed by hookers is def a right of passage in a mans life
I literally just want someone to fuck me and buy me cheeseburgers. I don't even want a relationship at this point. Just a chew toy and some food.
Randomize
