Just met a synchronized swimmer, can you imagine the things she could do in the water
Legs for days
Harpoon that
The spoon I was using to ice my hickey just fell out of my purse while i was paying at the liquor store. I look like an alcoholic with a meth problem.
you asked a group of latinas stood by the bar to hold a minutes silence for ugly betty getting cancelled. that drunk.
you know you made some mistakes when your last two boyfriends are both obsessed with women's curling...
The worst part of it is that he's not the first man I've fucked with 2+ chihuahua's.
I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
That little tingle vodka gives me in my esphagus is what lets me know I'm still alive.
Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.
I realized I used a copy of a biography of JFK as pillow last night...
Happy Fourth.
I need to keep a secret stash of instant alcoholic margaritas for when i deal with people. For example, right now, im grading, and I just don't fucking care any more. My students should make a thank you card for Jose Cuervo.
Just watched a girl lose her dignity at the corner...it's not even midnight
I have a black eye again and dont know why again
I'll meet you in hell with unlimited boxes of wine though
You think that was bad? One time my parents found my sister half naked on top of the four runner in the garage. She makes me look like the good child.
Randomize
