Who were the five players on the alien team from space jam?
She went to the bathroom before i broke up with her so i changed all 2500 of her songs on her computer to "I'm a cheating whore"
He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death
we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility
Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive
ive got a scarf tied around my face holding bags of hashbrowns to it, im too boss to care
I hope your perfect outfit is a slutty power rangers outfit. That's been my dream wedding since I was a kid.
I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.
when I came to get Jamie there was a cop standing outside with her, made me roll down my window to tell me "she's got to go cause she won't keep her shirt buttoned"
My ideal friend would be my dog as a drug dealer
I forgot drug dealers have families, too. Cheers to a sober, uncomfortable, slightly enraging Thanksgiving.
You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
I didnt know whether I was going to vomit or orgasm because I was feeling both sensations
I got some blow and a hand job from one of the strippers. So I guess I'm getting over the divorce.
Randomize
